In Celebration

I am celebrating yet another movie (The Gamer) fulfilling me with the delicious eye candy of the one and only: Gerard Butler... yummmmmm....... allow the fantasies to begin. I can definitely picture him driving me around. Look at those arms.

To have him crawl up in one of the chairs reading a book, glancing up with a look like that... need I say more.

This just speaks for itself.

This is from one of his first commercialized films, it showed his humor and his musical talents (singing and guitar) - great underwear scene ;)

Not many know this is when Hollywood took note.

So just enjoy. It's an action film, so maybe someone out there is listening to the date movie - eye candy for women and enough action/blasts/fire bombs for men. So when we exit the theater both parties are thoroughly satisfied.

Past

In the past I have had some loves, and not so loves, and flings, and what I would like to call connecting with people for periods of time when we needed for as long as we needed.
My first love was my most intense, it lasted through high school and a year and half later. My first. Notes sent between classes, in classes, met at switch of classes, lunch, even scheduled bathroom breaks to meet in the hall. Flowers once a week, cards, movies, laughter, tears, intensity, friends, and passion. Once when we fought he threw himself on the hood of my car and I drove around his neighbor hood with him clinging like that - Now that was intense, I can laugh now, then I was scared and angry (what about has been chased away by the laughter over all of these years). I had candles, dinners, limo rides, romance - but it was a great fantasy, great for a first love. I kept all the notes, cards, dried flowers, movie stubs (you name it) in a giant box in my closet (*even when I married my ex husband -another story- I brought that box with me, a box he knew better than to ever touch, it was sacred) - the box was a reminder that I was special to someone that I at one point was on a pedestal. Not to say the relationship wasn't marred with high school drama, other girls, a teenage boy acting out (especially since he waited 4 years til I finally went all the way - after I graduated), but I can say I remember most being happy, carefree, secure in the knowledge of my nightly 7 pm call that lasted all night (teenage girl + relationship + phone = phone attached to ear).

There is a complicated friend/wish he wasn't a friend/meet up years later friend why am I married? situation for later
I had my ex husband next another story for another date.

Then there was a few men I dated, one had children a few years younger than me at the time and he was going through a divorce so bowling was our best options, especially when I after "family meet and greet" dinner met the soon to be ex where I worked and she was oblivious to who I was and I found myself holding my breath the whole time. This relationship was non sexual, more looking for replacements and finding people to fit into what we had left. He had three daughters, 15, 13, and 9 and had my son 4 and my daughter not even a year old yet.

While at that job I met someone that was interested in a girl I worked with and she was in an in and out relationship, I invited her to have her meet him at my place so it wouldn't be intimidating and I could throw him out or they could end up leaving and going someplace else together. He came over, she hardly spoke, he did, he was interesting, we joked, laughed, and had a lot in common, it got later and she decided she wanted to go out so they left. Within the week he talked to her they apparently knew there was no connection there between them, but something there with me and he did not want to offend her, she was not offended and broached it with me, I thought he was funny, but friend vibe is what I got, but why not hang out. We hung out. We got along for the most part. We were great as friends, but I think that as far as relationships go, it is a matter of the movements and not the heart. We had similar backgrounds, similar family members, similar traits - that, well, to be honest I scrub things so clean you can eat off of it, but to have him go back behind me and do the same thing, or refold socks after I folded them - maybe everything was too similar. There were also those things that nag in the back of your head, like I know I love this foot massage and I am so glad that it is lasting an hour a foot and I am so lucky that he likes to buy me shoes, but it was for his foot fetish - I also am a sensual person, and was terribly abused when I was younger (and in many ways still today by my family) so to have him want to be beat, slapped, leashed and slapping my a** saying whose your daddy (that is the last person you ever want to bring into my head) deep inside you know this circle isn't fitting with this square. We cared about each other, but let's be honest there are men out there that are not ready to be fathers, those that will stand up and do it, those that love it no matter what, those that run away. He wasn't ready to be a father to my children, he was ready to cheat, he was ready to lose his temper all the time, he was ready to finally put his hands on me. Done. Although I was so right about his brother's marriage falling apart and him f*cking his ex sister-in-law too.

Ever heard the saying don't sh*t where you eat, well..... I saw him in the morning before he came in for his interview, when I went in for coffee and bought donuts for my crew. I couldn't take my eyes off, it was not just his looks, it was the way he moved, I new there was something about that guy I was instantly attracted to. Surprise, surprise he was the interview that morning, I just stared as the supervisor and myself interviewed and then went threw the paperwork (I was wishing I had dressed up rather than looking like I was doing what I was planning on doing - inventory in the warehouse and the numbers on that). Every morning and afternoon, my body instinctively was aware of him, before I turned around, every time he entered a room. I almost had to hold on from my knees buckling when he finally asked me out. I would spend hours preparing to go out with him, soaking my body shaving, oiling my skin, using secret oils (suppose to bring love/sexual prowess), fixing my hair, make up, polish, all to look flawless and as if it was natural. He took me to his other job - a fire fighter, so the fire department - I rode in a fire truck. We went somewhere ethnic to eat, he was born in the Canary Islands, I ate their food, walk around the city. We did it again, again with my routine ahead of time, including new purchases of clothes for work, for dates, for evening/peeling off of me, which he did. Fastest record for me allowing anyone near me like that, but he was like some kind of jungle cat, sleek and sensual. His touches purposeful, his room heady scents, he lit a single candle under oil which engulfed the room with the smell of our sex, every touch from his lips, his hands, his fingertips, his legs brushing, his tongue, he was simply a sorcerer my body was his. He bought me jewelry, even a ring while I shopped in waldenbooks, I met his family, continued this amazing sexual journey with him, but like all things that burn hot and engulf you, they burn out quick too especially when that is it. I must say he is the greatest sexual lover I have had so far and it was so much like a fantasy and it is great that I can replay that sex in my mind at times when I am not having the best of sex at all, but it would be nice to find a package deal.

The guy I had been flirting with also at the same job, who was a wholesale equipment dealer, decided to finally after five years get the gonads to ask me out, at first years ago when my sister was having problems with who is now my brother-in-law, I offered to set her up with this great guy, listed all his traits, and his good looks, and her and the foot fetish boyfriend said that he sounded more my type, well, it was time to find out. He had a sensitive side, very charming, had a hard story, and of course my savior/nurturing mother came out. He would make a great dad of course because he was one and divorced, he suffered abandonment issues, worthiness issues, and actual medical issues. Now I have a lot in common with him, we get along, he is good with my children, we laugh, this is pleasant - not future, not promises, not expectations, not even dating, just caring for each other, being there for each other, not getting jealous, pleasant.... until I start f*cking him. Over time he wants to marry me, buy me a house, I think he confused friendship love with love love and I cared about him, worried about him, we had fun, we had our talks, he no longer had a family he could see/visit/talk to so there was a big one in mine for him.

There's the one who couldn't make up his mind so we have played a game of tag for years for another time.

The one I live with, I question if I want to go there just yet.

There are one night stands. One done in desperation, just in an electrical storm, power out, I was drunk, feeling sad and blue, needed to feel special and what came next was a man who couldn't get it up, who in the morning I felt sorry for. A few "booty calls" from a sexy acquaintance I had a crush on when I was younger, we would call whenever, meet somewhere, and f*ck in his vehicle or outside of it under the stars, so the itch would get scratched and I would get back home as if I was stuck in traffic or worked late (-strictly for babysitter excuse/family member excuse). Another "booty call" was almost scarily turning into a possible relationship when in fact this one was a month worth of on/off action to pay back the relationship I was in for cheating. (He still doesn't know) This guy was just divorced with custody of his kids, but a sucker - a sap for his ex, he was still in love with the woman who became a crack whore and was living in an apartment doing tricks with some dude she started screwing and doing drugs with while married to him and supposedly caring for the children...glad it was payback, it wasn't even the good kind though, just the kind that I have in my head and the kind that "who is this card from that was left on your car today" payback answers. One thing that turned into a one night that was also a payback for yet again cheating, was this guy that was awesome as we met and dated. He was so tall and strong, and had this voice that well, mmmm, again we go off do things, find we have a lot in common. Wow, is this guy for real? No. He will finally drop the act have vintage porn all over the place, claim it has some sort of value, you will attempt to put that aside and out of your mind for the rest of the evening, but as it progresses, he has erectile dysfunction (at least with you, you later find out as you lay next to him in bed and he plays with himself all night long - tissue, anyone). WTF! At least I got wined, dined, gifts, and felt special there for a while, and he got angry when I didn't call back.

The Wrong Set Up

You can wonder as I do what exactly these ramblings are for, what are they really about- I'm not sure yet. I think it's so I remember where I have been, the situation I am in, and the real truth that I know of love out there.
There were always fairy tales to rely upon as you drifted off to sleep as a child, the tales of innocence, backdropped with strife and adventure, finishing with the one true love and happily ever after. There were the family members celebrating 50 years, 75 years, dying within amonth of each other "because they just couldn't bear another day without their love, the love of their life". I never questioned that this wasn't the norm, that this would be virtually impossible in this day and age -I accepted it as fact, all the stories "from the moment he saw her, he came home and told all of us that he had met the girl he was going to marry", that strangers remarked "after all these years your husband looks at you like that", the list goes on, as do the memories - I saw tthese things with my own eyes. Actually a day before my great uncle died I visited him, told him how muched I loved him, admired him, and how much in life I wanted a man one day to look at me the way he still looks at his wife -- I still do, with a deep ache in my heart, almost like an empty piece waiting to fill my soul.

With all of this knowledge and personal witnessing of this kind of deep love, even today, why do I look into the relationship I am now and the ones in the past with disgust and a roll of sickness. Now I am getting beat, disrespected, lied to, yelled at, demeaned -yet I am here. Is this do to the "love" my parents showed me? A cheeseboard, razorstrap (3 pieces of leather), belt (especially buckle), hand ("your father is hand happy today so behave"), fists, knuckles into my spine between my veterbre(ruined my discs), kung fu torture techniques (that ruined my hands), fractured my wrist, choke me til I pass out (hands around the throat, yes multiple times), throw me out of the house naked, oh and maybe I should mention the flashes of memory of my father watching porn with me at a young age and the movies I found that I had to have a friend watch and her brother said they could only watch so much, but it had me young in the shower (hence why no locks on my bathroom or bedroom door ever). Never a word of encouragement, I was the scapegoat. Never saw me in plays, recieve awards, purchase copies of anything I got published. I was to be grateful for the roof over my head and the food in my mouth no matter what the cost to my soul. Feels that way now.

Just a Fleeting Thought Taking Action

Another sleepless night led me to the computer thinking about all the things I have done, said I would never do again, lied about - even to myself, and it all came to my search for love.

Like on a pilgrimage I have spent days searching, wandering, on a journey - not just physically for love (and affection), but also mentally, let's not forget emotionally (of course, that is not a defense when explain why you tore up his car while he was cheating, "because I am growing emotionally in regards to love, your Honor"), all kidding aside- in so many ways spiritually.

Girls are fast learners at defining the differences of love. "I love you more than a brother, but less than a lover" - but we really do feel that way no matter how cliche that sounds and as we grow are counterpart tends to still be emotionally, mentally, and spiritually stunted, for lack of a better word. All the sudden the best guy friends in the world are saying they love you, for what - was it sex, was it them confusing friendship love with love love? All I knew to do was smile and say the line.

Oftentimes you could find that the signs that they were going to change up the relationship on you were starting it was almost like a game of chess, trying to stay two/three/four steps ahead, because sometimes, you would lose the friend if the words were spoken, if actions were taken and denied.

As hard as this was, I knew the importance early on, not to mess with someone's feelings - even if they think it's love love and not just friendship love that they are experiencing, it was cruel to watch and I never wanted to be a part of it. Yet distguishing this, also allows even more categories in:
- loving your children - I don't think a love can compare to the love you have and hold for your children, do I think it is equally shared, no - if you think so, stop taking their Ritalin, ok! But that was the deal, to love something outside of yourself in such a way unimagined. I read somewhere that children are your heart walking outside of you, I believe that. Think back at that moment that you put them on the bus for the first time, the first time you let go of the bike - you are letting go, they never truly held on is just another way of looking at it, but still the unconditional love we give freely with no strings, wells of endless patience (which do bubble, toil, and trouble), we give unto them with such vulnerability that leaves us naked and bare, are hearts and souls exposed.
For all the ups, there are it's downs. They will sap your love and feed you quick kisses or quicks nods of hellos before they run off to play. They will have you drop them off "not in front of my friends" but a house or two away, they will stop wanting the kisses before you pull off leaving them in the care of the school system, they will pile laundry so high that you think they have rented part of their room out (because not one person could accumulate so much, could they?), their hormones rage and with it the mood and tempers, they will eat you out of house and second onto third job at same time, they will test and test, but in the end they are yours - wholly, completely.
And the beauty in all this is that you gave love without condition, accepted them for who they were, even in the moments of great strife and test there was love.
-loving your family - I know this simply because I have some family members I care for, some I don't, some I refuse to go near me or my children, some I should hate for what they have done (HERE'S A LESSON: Hate the action, not the person- it's no water off their back anyway, shape, or form how you feel about them if they were able to do horrible things to begin with, it will just end up eating away inside of you and then they have done whatever all over again a thousand times worse but with your permission). This tends to be based on personalityand memories. Hopefully, it contains nurturing, care, happiness - I know the family members I do because I get along with them, they protect me, respect me, I can find memories with them that bring me joy and that is nice, but I don't know a parents love, sibings love, grandparents love. I have been told "you are my disappointment, I am telling you this, because I love you" - There is a saying that blood is thicker than water, well, blood runs threw wounds, strangers/friends/even "dreaded" future in-laws treat me better.

...For the moment I must digress