Past

In the past I have had some loves, and not so loves, and flings, and what I would like to call connecting with people for periods of time when we needed for as long as we needed.
My first love was my most intense, it lasted through high school and a year and half later. My first. Notes sent between classes, in classes, met at switch of classes, lunch, even scheduled bathroom breaks to meet in the hall. Flowers once a week, cards, movies, laughter, tears, intensity, friends, and passion. Once when we fought he threw himself on the hood of my car and I drove around his neighbor hood with him clinging like that - Now that was intense, I can laugh now, then I was scared and angry (what about has been chased away by the laughter over all of these years). I had candles, dinners, limo rides, romance - but it was a great fantasy, great for a first love. I kept all the notes, cards, dried flowers, movie stubs (you name it) in a giant box in my closet (*even when I married my ex husband -another story- I brought that box with me, a box he knew better than to ever touch, it was sacred) - the box was a reminder that I was special to someone that I at one point was on a pedestal. Not to say the relationship wasn't marred with high school drama, other girls, a teenage boy acting out (especially since he waited 4 years til I finally went all the way - after I graduated), but I can say I remember most being happy, carefree, secure in the knowledge of my nightly 7 pm call that lasted all night (teenage girl + relationship + phone = phone attached to ear).

There is a complicated friend/wish he wasn't a friend/meet up years later friend why am I married? situation for later
I had my ex husband next another story for another date.

Then there was a few men I dated, one had children a few years younger than me at the time and he was going through a divorce so bowling was our best options, especially when I after "family meet and greet" dinner met the soon to be ex where I worked and she was oblivious to who I was and I found myself holding my breath the whole time. This relationship was non sexual, more looking for replacements and finding people to fit into what we had left. He had three daughters, 15, 13, and 9 and had my son 4 and my daughter not even a year old yet.

While at that job I met someone that was interested in a girl I worked with and she was in an in and out relationship, I invited her to have her meet him at my place so it wouldn't be intimidating and I could throw him out or they could end up leaving and going someplace else together. He came over, she hardly spoke, he did, he was interesting, we joked, laughed, and had a lot in common, it got later and she decided she wanted to go out so they left. Within the week he talked to her they apparently knew there was no connection there between them, but something there with me and he did not want to offend her, she was not offended and broached it with me, I thought he was funny, but friend vibe is what I got, but why not hang out. We hung out. We got along for the most part. We were great as friends, but I think that as far as relationships go, it is a matter of the movements and not the heart. We had similar backgrounds, similar family members, similar traits - that, well, to be honest I scrub things so clean you can eat off of it, but to have him go back behind me and do the same thing, or refold socks after I folded them - maybe everything was too similar. There were also those things that nag in the back of your head, like I know I love this foot massage and I am so glad that it is lasting an hour a foot and I am so lucky that he likes to buy me shoes, but it was for his foot fetish - I also am a sensual person, and was terribly abused when I was younger (and in many ways still today by my family) so to have him want to be beat, slapped, leashed and slapping my a** saying whose your daddy (that is the last person you ever want to bring into my head) deep inside you know this circle isn't fitting with this square. We cared about each other, but let's be honest there are men out there that are not ready to be fathers, those that will stand up and do it, those that love it no matter what, those that run away. He wasn't ready to be a father to my children, he was ready to cheat, he was ready to lose his temper all the time, he was ready to finally put his hands on me. Done. Although I was so right about his brother's marriage falling apart and him f*cking his ex sister-in-law too.

Ever heard the saying don't sh*t where you eat, well..... I saw him in the morning before he came in for his interview, when I went in for coffee and bought donuts for my crew. I couldn't take my eyes off, it was not just his looks, it was the way he moved, I new there was something about that guy I was instantly attracted to. Surprise, surprise he was the interview that morning, I just stared as the supervisor and myself interviewed and then went threw the paperwork (I was wishing I had dressed up rather than looking like I was doing what I was planning on doing - inventory in the warehouse and the numbers on that). Every morning and afternoon, my body instinctively was aware of him, before I turned around, every time he entered a room. I almost had to hold on from my knees buckling when he finally asked me out. I would spend hours preparing to go out with him, soaking my body shaving, oiling my skin, using secret oils (suppose to bring love/sexual prowess), fixing my hair, make up, polish, all to look flawless and as if it was natural. He took me to his other job - a fire fighter, so the fire department - I rode in a fire truck. We went somewhere ethnic to eat, he was born in the Canary Islands, I ate their food, walk around the city. We did it again, again with my routine ahead of time, including new purchases of clothes for work, for dates, for evening/peeling off of me, which he did. Fastest record for me allowing anyone near me like that, but he was like some kind of jungle cat, sleek and sensual. His touches purposeful, his room heady scents, he lit a single candle under oil which engulfed the room with the smell of our sex, every touch from his lips, his hands, his fingertips, his legs brushing, his tongue, he was simply a sorcerer my body was his. He bought me jewelry, even a ring while I shopped in waldenbooks, I met his family, continued this amazing sexual journey with him, but like all things that burn hot and engulf you, they burn out quick too especially when that is it. I must say he is the greatest sexual lover I have had so far and it was so much like a fantasy and it is great that I can replay that sex in my mind at times when I am not having the best of sex at all, but it would be nice to find a package deal.

The guy I had been flirting with also at the same job, who was a wholesale equipment dealer, decided to finally after five years get the gonads to ask me out, at first years ago when my sister was having problems with who is now my brother-in-law, I offered to set her up with this great guy, listed all his traits, and his good looks, and her and the foot fetish boyfriend said that he sounded more my type, well, it was time to find out. He had a sensitive side, very charming, had a hard story, and of course my savior/nurturing mother came out. He would make a great dad of course because he was one and divorced, he suffered abandonment issues, worthiness issues, and actual medical issues. Now I have a lot in common with him, we get along, he is good with my children, we laugh, this is pleasant - not future, not promises, not expectations, not even dating, just caring for each other, being there for each other, not getting jealous, pleasant.... until I start f*cking him. Over time he wants to marry me, buy me a house, I think he confused friendship love with love love and I cared about him, worried about him, we had fun, we had our talks, he no longer had a family he could see/visit/talk to so there was a big one in mine for him.

There's the one who couldn't make up his mind so we have played a game of tag for years for another time.

The one I live with, I question if I want to go there just yet.

There are one night stands. One done in desperation, just in an electrical storm, power out, I was drunk, feeling sad and blue, needed to feel special and what came next was a man who couldn't get it up, who in the morning I felt sorry for. A few "booty calls" from a sexy acquaintance I had a crush on when I was younger, we would call whenever, meet somewhere, and f*ck in his vehicle or outside of it under the stars, so the itch would get scratched and I would get back home as if I was stuck in traffic or worked late (-strictly for babysitter excuse/family member excuse). Another "booty call" was almost scarily turning into a possible relationship when in fact this one was a month worth of on/off action to pay back the relationship I was in for cheating. (He still doesn't know) This guy was just divorced with custody of his kids, but a sucker - a sap for his ex, he was still in love with the woman who became a crack whore and was living in an apartment doing tricks with some dude she started screwing and doing drugs with while married to him and supposedly caring for the children...glad it was payback, it wasn't even the good kind though, just the kind that I have in my head and the kind that "who is this card from that was left on your car today" payback answers. One thing that turned into a one night that was also a payback for yet again cheating, was this guy that was awesome as we met and dated. He was so tall and strong, and had this voice that well, mmmm, again we go off do things, find we have a lot in common. Wow, is this guy for real? No. He will finally drop the act have vintage porn all over the place, claim it has some sort of value, you will attempt to put that aside and out of your mind for the rest of the evening, but as it progresses, he has erectile dysfunction (at least with you, you later find out as you lay next to him in bed and he plays with himself all night long - tissue, anyone). WTF! At least I got wined, dined, gifts, and felt special there for a while, and he got angry when I didn't call back.