Just a Fleeting Thought Taking Action

Another sleepless night led me to the computer thinking about all the things I have done, said I would never do again, lied about - even to myself, and it all came to my search for love.

Like on a pilgrimage I have spent days searching, wandering, on a journey - not just physically for love (and affection), but also mentally, let's not forget emotionally (of course, that is not a defense when explain why you tore up his car while he was cheating, "because I am growing emotionally in regards to love, your Honor"), all kidding aside- in so many ways spiritually.

Girls are fast learners at defining the differences of love. "I love you more than a brother, but less than a lover" - but we really do feel that way no matter how cliche that sounds and as we grow are counterpart tends to still be emotionally, mentally, and spiritually stunted, for lack of a better word. All the sudden the best guy friends in the world are saying they love you, for what - was it sex, was it them confusing friendship love with love love? All I knew to do was smile and say the line.

Oftentimes you could find that the signs that they were going to change up the relationship on you were starting it was almost like a game of chess, trying to stay two/three/four steps ahead, because sometimes, you would lose the friend if the words were spoken, if actions were taken and denied.

As hard as this was, I knew the importance early on, not to mess with someone's feelings - even if they think it's love love and not just friendship love that they are experiencing, it was cruel to watch and I never wanted to be a part of it. Yet distguishing this, also allows even more categories in:
- loving your children - I don't think a love can compare to the love you have and hold for your children, do I think it is equally shared, no - if you think so, stop taking their Ritalin, ok! But that was the deal, to love something outside of yourself in such a way unimagined. I read somewhere that children are your heart walking outside of you, I believe that. Think back at that moment that you put them on the bus for the first time, the first time you let go of the bike - you are letting go, they never truly held on is just another way of looking at it, but still the unconditional love we give freely with no strings, wells of endless patience (which do bubble, toil, and trouble), we give unto them with such vulnerability that leaves us naked and bare, are hearts and souls exposed.
For all the ups, there are it's downs. They will sap your love and feed you quick kisses or quicks nods of hellos before they run off to play. They will have you drop them off "not in front of my friends" but a house or two away, they will stop wanting the kisses before you pull off leaving them in the care of the school system, they will pile laundry so high that you think they have rented part of their room out (because not one person could accumulate so much, could they?), their hormones rage and with it the mood and tempers, they will eat you out of house and second onto third job at same time, they will test and test, but in the end they are yours - wholly, completely.
And the beauty in all this is that you gave love without condition, accepted them for who they were, even in the moments of great strife and test there was love.
-loving your family - I know this simply because I have some family members I care for, some I don't, some I refuse to go near me or my children, some I should hate for what they have done (HERE'S A LESSON: Hate the action, not the person- it's no water off their back anyway, shape, or form how you feel about them if they were able to do horrible things to begin with, it will just end up eating away inside of you and then they have done whatever all over again a thousand times worse but with your permission). This tends to be based on personalityand memories. Hopefully, it contains nurturing, care, happiness - I know the family members I do because I get along with them, they protect me, respect me, I can find memories with them that bring me joy and that is nice, but I don't know a parents love, sibings love, grandparents love. I have been told "you are my disappointment, I am telling you this, because I love you" - There is a saying that blood is thicker than water, well, blood runs threw wounds, strangers/friends/even "dreaded" future in-laws treat me better.

...For the moment I must digress